Sometimes I don’t feel like I am good enough.
A few years ago you couldn’t pay me to say that. I would
always fake the funk….I would always pretend. Growing up as a young African
American woman I was trained not to really talk about my feelings, or not to
really say the things that “normal” people would not dare say. If you act like
you have it all together how can people heal? So about a few months ago I
decided to be authentic about my feelings, about the many instances of self-doubt
and the feelings of unworthiness and as I began to share these feelings I
noticed that people I knew had similar feelings.
I traced my feelings of unworthiness back to when I was a
teenager and I was dating my little boyfriend then. The role he played in my
life was instrumental in my self-destruction. I grew up in an environment where
love was given in a tough way. So at age 17 when I had fallen in love with my
little boyfriend at the time I thought it was the best thing in the world. I
thought he could do no wrong. He could say no wrong. I thought that was it. He
and I had plans to get married. Then the abuse began. We had been dating for
about four years so of course we went through different stages in our
relationship. Now as I reflect back on our relationship we both loved each
other so much because we were searching for a love that we didn’t get at home.
So our love became toxic. He wasn’t the only abusive one. I became abusive too.
The verbal transactions we had were so unhealthy I would not wish it on my
worst enemy today. As I reflect back some more I noticed that we were afraid of
losing each other. Finally when one of us mustered up enough energy to leave
the relationship I was already so far gone. That relationship was a pivotal
moment in my life. The moment when I decided I wasn’t worthy.
The feeling of trying to keep up and trying to fix myself
lasted for about 5 years. I stayed with
a different boyfriend. Finding a boyfriend was never a problem for me but what
I noticed was I was trying to fill a void. When men couldn’t fill the void I
abused food. When Food wouldn’t do the trick I abused alcohol. And when none of
those did the trick I just began to exist and wait for the next bad thing to
happen to me.
The sad part was that he moved on with his life found a girlfriend
that he loved and they are still together to this day. What I realized now is
that God created distance in my life with him on purpose. While my little
boyfriend was focused on preparing me to be a wife at the age of 19 God was
grooming me to be a World Leader…A change Agent….A person willing to serve and
travel. I didn’t see that until about a year ago. I always felt bad for choosing
to travel and live out my dream and my little boyfriend at the time wasn’t keen
on me having a dream and following it if it didn’t involve him.
The sense of helplessness…..of how can life be so terrible?
I am only 24 and I was miserable. I kept thinking “where the hell is the
America dream?!” When will happiness come? When will my fairy tale life come?
Today as I embark on this journey called life I begin to see
possibilities. A lot of my friends I know struggle with their singleness and
they think it is because of their worthiness. One of my girlfriends told me the
other day “ Am I too aggressive? I just graduated from Harvard Law I make 170k
, I am only 26, I have a condo, and I drive a benz…..when is God going to send
me a man?! Am I not good enough for these men?” I looked at her and realized
that at times I was thinking the same thing. It use to feel like a waiting game
until one day I really sat down and said “I am not ready for marriage and the
fact of the matter is the next guy I am with will be my husband”. I no longer
want to play with a man’s emotions. I enjoy my singleness….I can literally pick
up and go anywhere I want. My decision to move to South Africa was so easy
because I have no emotional ties to a man or a child. My commitment now is to
myself and the people I serve.
If you suffer with the worthiness conversation ask yourself
these few questions: why are you waiting to live your life? Why are you waiting
for marriage or a relationship to be happy? Why are you waiting for that job or
your finances to be joyful? If you keep waiting for the next best thing you
will always be waiting.
People always tell “you live such a good life how do you do
it”?
My answer: I decided I no longer wanted to wait for my happy
day. I deserved so much more.
That was a choice. Mental Bondages was no longer going to
live in my heart…..but unlimited possibilities lay here.
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