Checkmate.

         

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why cant you just live a ‘normal’ life”? What I mean by this question is why cant I just go out and get a normal 9-5 and make my guarantee 6 figures, have my family, nice house and nice car? Why do I have t be so determined and innovative? Doesn’t that sound crazy? The very thought of me being upset that I have a vision? Sometimes as a visionary our visions scare us. For me my vision complicated my life.

I remember when there was a time  I didn’t dare to dream about anything except becoming a high school graduate and getting a job. This was clearly a "I don't know my worth" move. Now as a young adult studying to become a Social Policy expert I can’t help but dream about the life and conditions of others. We live our entire life trying to figure out when God is going to give us our blessing, looking for the next big thing, looking forward to our next big promotion, our next big gig, or time to shine…I got tired of living my life waiting. What if all we had was today? What if God decided that today would be our last day? Would we decide it was enough? Can we say that we lived our lives to the fullest? I will tell you one thing I got tired of waiting…I was waiting and people were dying.

The feeling of discontentment was a battle I faced daily for the first half of my twenties. Nothing was ever good enough or I was doing thing’s for the wrong reason. I had no foundation…. no grounding…most of all I spent most of my twenties chasing after random men and negotiating myself worth. I also was not a nice person. I remember one day I sat at my apartment by myself and began to reflect on my life…. many people who I drove out of my life. I would lie to myself “they left because they cant handle the truth” when in reality they left because I was a trifling angry young woman. My anger showed (Now this move was a "since I hurt I want you to hurt move). While even in my darkest hour I was still able to create outstanding results…I didn’t have the feeling of joy.

Today I am still a work in progress and many people ask me “How do you do it”? I really don’t know. I just do. If you over think your life you will notice you will be in the same place. I noticed that while I was advancing on my resume I wasn’t advancing mentally. I was stuck mentality. So just like when I felt fat I went to the gym and began to eat clean, we as human beings also have to go to the mental gym. So I began to wake up every morning and start my day with some motivational music and dance it out. For the first couple of weeks it was “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson. After listening to the song, I read a bible scripture reflected in my journal about what it meant. Listen I grew up in the Church but when I went away to college when I need God the most I abandoned him! I was out in the world creating all of these results leading trainings, coaching people, helping people start businesses, and checking people…. but who was checking me? It is dangerous not to have someone to check you. So I turned to the one person I knew I couldn’t get away with anything with and that was God. I set my timer and began to pray every morning for 10 minutes. I began to speak to God, I began to speak to myself, and I began to ask for guidance and protection from my own anger. I don’t consider myself a “Holy Moly” but I consider myself a believer. I believe in a greater power. Who ever that higher power is for you I hope you lean in. Ask for clarity, ask for guidance.

Lastly, I got clear on my vision. Sometimes we hold job titles and other accolades as the goal. When in reality if you wanted to contribute all you have to do is DO. I had a friend reach out to me a few days ago and asked my opinion about taking a new job in city council. She wanted my opinion and I asked her …”what is your vision for career?” She said “well I want to be elected to city council so I can work with mass incarceration”. So I asked “ Do you HAVE to be a council member to do that?” We hold these titles as a prerequisite to do the work we see fit. When in reality all she had to do was research some organizations that were doing the work she wanted to do and offer her services. She could have even started a support group in her community targeted toward that population and support convicted felons in getting jobs, mentors and housing. My point here is stop waiting for a title do the work you see fit! The founder of the 4Change organization in South Africa asked me “what organization are you here with” I told him “just me” he sat in disbelief. He said “You mean to tell me you came all the way across the work by yourself to support us?” Absolutely, I had to resources to do so….so why not? If I would have waited for a title or permission I would have never traveled to South Africa or headed to my next trip to the Dominican Republic and Haiti.

Finding out who I was....taking care of my mental wellbeing....not depending on a title or waiting for permission.

Checkmate.