I guess every blog begins with the bloggers personal story. So here is mine. This is the short version of course I have broken it down into three major events in my life.
Youth
My biological mother died when I was three. People tell me I
was chosen; however, I always I thought I was cursed. Seriously! Because as
soon as my mother passed my father abandoned my siblings and I. I used the term
“abandoned” a lot, and now that I am older I realized that it allowed me to
remain a victim. It was weird being the
kid in school without any parents. No one really picked on me and I hid it for
most of my childhood. Now that I think about it I don’t know what was so bad
about it really. I just felt weird. Using the word “abandoned” allowed me to be
angry, it gave permissions for hurt and gave me a reason to lash out on others.
You see, while most children in my situation would have been placed in the
foster system, my grandmother “Precious” decided to keep my siblings and I. I
have two biological siblings a sister and a brother (34 & 36). And
according to them I have a bunch of siblings from my father’s side (literally
too many to name you might be one of them lol).
I grew up in a one-bedroom apartment in the Bronx with three cousins. My
aunt Debra passed away also and my grandmother raised her kids (My grandma is
the BOMB she practically raised everyone’s children). To make a long story
short, both my brother and sister went through trouble growing up and adjusting
without my parents. As I grew up, I too felt abandoned by my siblings because
they moved away from me. What I did not realize is, while I lost my mother too
they were both preteens when our mother passed. I am not justifying their
behavior, however; as an advocate who works with young adults I can see how my mother’s
death affected them. It certainly has affected me in numerous ways even to this
day. The only memory I have of my mother is not being able to kiss her when the
ushers were closing her casket. I was only three and I can still see the
picture in my head vividly. I always felt like I missed my chance, to express
my love for the woman who decided to give me life despite her addiction to
drugs.
Adolescent years
I found out I was “gifted” in about the 6th
grade. I loved to read as a child. I would read a book or two a day if I could!
I can still remember my grandmother saying to me “You always have your head in
a book.” That’s probably where I got my creativity—from reading. I will admit
my kind of books ranged from Harry Potter series, to some ghetto novels I
should have been reading, and a few biographies. One thing I realized about
school was that I was good at it academically, but I did have some behavioral
problems you know the usual talk to much, getting sassy with the teachers,
coming to school late. In 6th grade they begin to separate our
classes into what we now know as “the gifted class” you could always tell what
class you were in(this lasted until my senior year in high school). I never
really considered myself “smart” however, my teachers believed otherwise. I
hated being at home because our apartment was small and I wanted to stay out of
my grandmothers way (I thought she hated me….I always got yelled at. But now as
an adult I know she was trying to keep me on track…to make a long story short, she
wanted to keep me from getting pregnant…bless her heart <3) I enrolled in
every after school program I could find, from theater to dance, to reading
partners, I even signed up for a science program that worked in the woods with
insects (do I look like the insect type?). I literally did not go home until
about 7pm at night. I also was heavily active in church. You see my grandmother
allowed me to do any activity I choose as long as I woke up on Sunday at 8am
and went to church. Sometimes I would spend an entire day in church. The BEST
thing my grandmother did for me was fostering my relationship with God (even
though at the time I thought it was torture and yet another thing to be
embarrassed about).
I remember when it came time to pick out high schools my
grandmother allowed me to choose for myself (she did give me a lot of power now
that I think about it lol). While all of my peers were choosing popular schools
in the Bronx something I told myself to research schools outside of my
neighborhood. I won’t lie, I also needed a school that required uniform because
my grandmother could not afford to purchase the type of clothes I wanted. The
smartest thing I could do was, attend a smaller school with an intimate
setting. That is when I decided to go to school in central Harlem, Thurgood
Marshall Academy (TMA). I think that was
one of the best decisions of my life. One thing is for sure, every school I
have attended has been in a new building. THE BUILDING MATTERS. I never had to
go through medal detectors and I went to high school in the central part of
Harlem. Going to school in Harlem allowed me to experience some things I would
have not experienced if I had not tried something new (if you are from the city
you would understand what I mean. The boroughs are all unique). It was during
my years at Thurgood Marshall that I found my passion for social change and
government. When I entered the 9th grade I thought I wanted to be a
brain surgeon (thank God I am in policy, you wouldn’t want me operating on your
brain lol) I seemed to hate biology (Ms. Lall scarred me) although I did enjoy
chemistry and AP chemistry. At TMA, I felt like all of my teachers were invested
in my future. I was continuously told I had a distinct voice and I should be a
lawyer. It was at Thurgood Marshall that I was invited to attend an IVY League
for the first time. I spent the summer at what I like to call nerd camp at Yale
University. This summer program was a place where all future leaders came
together for a month and debated politics (literally nerd camp). Youth & Government was another program
that supported me in getting into politics. It was through my experiences as a
delegate in both programs that I felt the issues debated were personal. We
would debate topics such as “welfare” what we know now as SNAP. Most of the
teens were talking about issues they never experienced. I knew first hand what
public assistant did for a family. I am a product of public assistance.
I was in my junior year in high school when I meet my momma
Sheena Wright. She was introduced to me as a potential mentor from my principal
while in high school. I think Sheena was the first black woman I met that ran a
business (CEO of a nonprofit) and was an attorney (Columbia law). For me she
stood as possibility, she too was born and raised partly in the South Bronx.
Sheena was brilliant, beautiful, and loving. We never signed any formal
paperwork…She just met me and that was it I became her daughter and she treated
me as such. Lord I tell you I was a mess throughout those years and she kept
loving me. It’s been 10 years and she has been through it all with me. But if
you asked her she would tell you “I just choose to love her unconditionally”. I always said that even though my birth mother
passed when I was three, she always made sure she put people in my space that
she knew loved me and would support me. Meeting my Momma has got to be the
climax in my life story.
Adult years
I entered college at the University at Albany in fall 2006.
I literally decided to go to the best school possible for the cheapest cost. Somewhere
in the back of my mind I did know that I would attend an Ivy League for my
professional degree (at that time I thought it was law school). All I knew was
that I did not want to have to pay Sallie Mae when I was done. I ended up
receiving up to $60,000 in scholarship money from outside agencies and I went
to SUNY Albany for free (I was an EOP Student). One thing that stood out to me at
UAlbany was that I was bored after the 2nd year…between my little boyfriend back home (bless his heart) and me not being challenged academically,
I felt like I knew I could do more. Besides, I had major challenges in my
junior year that resulted in me returning home (that’s for another blog entry).
But this time I would live with Sheena and her family….and boy did my life
change.
I re enrolled back into to school (Hunter College) after
taking a semester off and completed my undergraduate degree. It took me SIX
years to finish just one degree! You see they NEVER tell you that it might not
take more than four years lol. It was at Hunter that my role as an activist
crystallized. The students at Hunter had passion…..the classroom was like a
battlefield of ideas. The students and professors at Hunter called me forth. I
had been working full time with teens in NYC teaching them how to draft policy
for a mock government program. Life was GREAT…..then I took a honors course on
Frederick Douglass taught by Professor Janet Neary (One of my favorite
Professors….she gave me life) I thought I knew the affects of slavery but I had
NO idea until I took her class. It was that class that sparked my interest in
furthering my education. After my class with Professor Neary, I began to pick
up more books on slavery, black history, and history in general…..to make a
long story short I was PISSED. I was ANGRY. I spent my life like that for about
three years. Then I walked through the doors of transformation and took
responsibility.
Today, I stand proud and ambitious, currently sitting in
Munich Germany in a café writing this blog entry. I am on my way to
Johannesburg South Africa to do some personal & professional development
work with Young Adults ages 16-26). I am also a graduate student at The
University of Pennsylvania(UPenn) studying Social Policy (I didn’t go to law
school after all lol). This blog is titled “Thoughts of a Brown Ivy” because as
I am progressing in my career and my last semester at Penn is approaching, I am
noticing our voices (students of color) are silent. It would be so easy to
continue to blame others in the world why tragedies are taking place. But those
thoughts didn’t serve me in getting out of bed every day. The thoughts circulating
my brain daily about not feeling good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough
did not serve me in getting out of bed every day. God said in Jeremiah 1:5 “ I
knew you when you were in your mothers womb and I assigned your purpose to
you”. Our purpose has already been assigned. My love for people, travel, my
story of abandonment, resilience, unconditional love is the beacon to my
salvation. You see, when I got clear that life was not ALL about me(I was such
a taker and Mayor of victim village)…..that my purpose in life was to serve
others my life began to shift. I think back to a wise mentor (SUNNE)…..And this
comes to mind: The Sun has various functions and it gets to choose. It can hide
and allow us to live in darkness gloomy days (man I hate the rain)….Or it can
rise and allow us to rejoice. I don’t know about you but I rather be the SUNRISE. Follow your heart and BE YOUR DREAMS.
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